Sir fine’s a lot: Steven Gerrard lays out the law at Aston Villa

Steven Gerrard’s put together a fines list capable of unnerving the most Matildaesque of martinets. It spares no offence, even conjuring up new infractions to stir the pot. While the regulars- late for training, late for meetings, late to the pitch, late because you’re dead- are all present, they’re a bit blasé. It’s the wonky ones that catch the eye. ‘Caught without flip-flops in the shower, young lad?’ Cough up £100. Clad in shorts on a matchday?! Egad, son, hand over another £100. ‘Hmm, I see there’s some snus out and about. Must pinch £200 off wantaway Chukwuemeka.’

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It’s not hard to imagine the scowling scouse draping the interiors of Villa Park with a veritable do’s and don’ts scroll sheet. A tapestry of ‘Discipline and Punish’, woven across the walls of the old ground, reminding all and sundry that the panopticon’s eyes belong to Stevie G. The method is infallible in Gerrard’s eyes. The disciplinarian cut his chops in the badlands of Liverpool’s mid-2000s dressing room. Bust-ups were not just regular but downright chaotic. The infamy of the Bellamy-Riise no-holds-barred in a Barcelona hotel lives long in the memory. It did not impede their on-field prowess, however. Trading punches, swinging at each other with golf clubs, it was all part of preparations before a crucial European tie at Camp Nou.

Liverpool did win against the Catalans, but it perhaps soured Gerrard’s taste. Determined to cut out the bloodthirst, he must’ve enforced unwavering obedience on his Rangers’ wards. The Ibrox boys responded with an unbeaten title run. The Liverpudlian wishes to perfect the system, round off the edges, instil the best behaviour among his wards, and stamp out the Villains tag from the Villa faithful, all in one swoop.

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I can only imagine the away fans singing to the Holte End, “With Stevie G and Neil Critchley, they’re the boys who’re gonna collect your fines”.